"Ik? Bijdehand?"

There are 2 rules to being a success in life: 1. Never give out all the information.

Alarms don't 'go off'. If they did, then they would be pointless. Alarms 'go on'.

In a crowd, the harder you push, the faster you go.

If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying,

What if the Hokie-Pokie really IS what it's all about?

Why don't we just take the safety labels off everything and let stupidity sort itself out?

All that glitters has a high refractive index.

If cheese has its picture taken, what does it say?

If you follow a pigeon around saying in a very loud voice, This is George, I'm following George!, passers-by give you very strange looks. NB. Pigeons and passers-by can be located in your nearest city.

If a doctor writes 'Pumpkin Positive' on your notes, they mean if they shone a penlight into your mouth, they would encounter a brain so small that your whole head would light up.

If you follow a pigeon around saying in a very loud voice

The Trans-Siberian Railway has a large kink in it, for the following reason. When the Tsar decided it should be built, he drew a line across a map of Russia with a ruler. The ruler had a nick in it.

Humans are descended from birds, not apes. Try whistling and notice how someone will always join in. Thsi is a throwback to our days in the trees, trying to communicate through dense foliage. This fact also explains the wide variety of breakfast cereals available and our inbred fear of cats.

Don't you hate it when someone asks you a question and you don't know whether it's rhetorical or not?

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

For just this year only black is the fashion world's new black.

Three ways to tell if a person is dead is a) lividity (all the blood has gone to the lowermost part of their body b) visible C.S.F. (cerebro-spinal-fluid mostly called brain matter) or c) decapitation - a sure sign.

The only thing that keeps me from realising my full potential is the depressing awareness that it probably wouldn't take much time or effort...

If you ever catch on fire try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

Why is a delivery on a ship called a cargo and a delivery by car a shipment?

I remember when all this was fields.

WHAT DID THE FIRST PERSON TO MILK A COW THINK THEY WERE DOING?

The modern introverted luxury keeper (milky) gets his stuff online so that he cannot be seen shopping for expensive gadgets.

Most teenagers seem to think that being individual is looking like everyone else.

Branwell Bronte, brother of the writers Emily and Charlotte, died standing up leaning against the mantlepiece, just to prove that it could be done.

When you sleep, the dreams are recorded and when you wake up those yellowy bits in your eyes are the tape. We just haven't figured out how to use them yet.

"Writer" is one letter away from "waiter"

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

The shortest correspondence on record is between Victor Hugo and his publicist. Whilst on holiday, Victor wanted to know how his new novel was doing so he sent a postcode to the publicist saying "?" . The publicist sent a postcard back saying "!"

Anxious to 'include' as many minorities, religions and disabilities as possible, the human resources department of the University of Alberta put up a Braille poster outside its main office. The poster has been placed inside a display case with a glass front.

Wittgenstein and a friend were discussing why people used to think that the sun orbited the earth. "Because that's what it looks like" said the friend. "Oh", replied Wittgenstein, "and what would it look like if the earth orbited the sun?"

Sex is the most intimate, beautiful and natural experience that money can buy.

If something is adjustable, sooner or later it will need adjusting.

When you point 1 finger at someone else, you're pointing 4 at yourself. Think about that when you want to blame someone.

Whilst out shopping for party items and a bad breath preventative, I read my shopping list which went: soup and caulie, flags, elastic, eggs, peas, halitosis. Quite a coincidence, I think you'll agree!

The difference between cottage pie and shepherds pie is that cottage pie is made from beef (the cows being kept close to the cottage for milking) and home-grown vegetables, whereas shepherds pie is made from lamb & potatoes (the only things available for eating in the far-flung grazing pastures).

Remember laughter's the best medicine, unless you're asthmatic, and then its ventolin.

It is impossible to look cool whilst picking up a frisbee!

Quidquid latine dictum sit altum viditur - "That which is said in Latin sounds profound."

To stop your car windscreen from icing up in winter, cut an onion in half and wipe the juice on the glass.

Under Capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, the reverse is true.

Putting the word "Amphetamines" on your CV, regardless of context, is not likely to get you an interview.

Only 60% of people in internet chat rooms actually laugh out loud when they type LOL. Significantly fewer roll on the floor laughing, approximately 12%, though its hard to measure as they generally fall out of view of the web cams used to gather the information. But, by far the most disturbing trend is the 5% to 6% of the Internet Chat Room Populace that have begun to laugh their asses off. ER rooms in America & A&E in Britain have reported a 4 fold increase in the amount of Internet Related Ass Prosthesis (IRAP). The problem is compounded by huge numbers of people falsely claiming to LMAO & causing a misdirection of essential ass saving resouces. So the next time you read a pithy comment on an internet chat room/bulletin board - THINK before you TYPE.

The English Channel is two feet higher on the French side, due to centrifugal force.

I got the disk full message when downloading http://*.*

Never fall in love with a tennis player... love means nothing to them.

The south end of Great Britain is sinking into the English Channel by one inch each year. The north end is rising by one inch each year.

Laila Morse, who plays Mo Slater (snr) in Eastenders is Gary Oldman's sister. And that's not her real name, but an anagram of the Italian for 'my sister'.

There's no such thing as cardboard.

Whenever an archaeologist uses the word 'ritual' to describe a find, feature or activity, this is trade code for 'I haven't the foggiest idea what the *hell* this was for'.

Two wrongs don't make a right. But three just might.

Phil, Uttoxeter




My home town Ballymena is at the centre of the universe. I know this, because everything is moving away from it at an equal rate.

Professor Stephen Hawkjet, Ballymena




Baptists don't make love standing up for fear that someone will think they are dancing.

Dana Jennings, North Carolina




"I AM, therefore I think." Isn't that putting Descartes before the horse?

Pete Moss, Guildford




I cannot be hypnotised. I remind the hypnotist of this every Wednesday when I go round his house to wash his car.

Tony P, Portsmouth




I cannot be hypnotised. I remind the hypnotist of this every Wednesday when I go round his house to wash his car.

Tony P, Portsmouth




There's no place like 127.0.0.1

Evil_T, Penicuik




Computers allow us to make more mistakes at a faster rate than any other man-made thing, with the exception of handguns and tequila.

Benji, Brighton




'Machina improba! Vel mihi ede potum vel mihi redde nummos meos' is Latin for 'You stupid machine! Give me my soda or give me my money back!'

TS




Cows are not toys.

Ali W




A good pun is its own reword.

Karen, Reading




A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and the weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the average speed and health of the group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of wine eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

Lesley, Germany




Charles Dickens was an insomniac, who believed his best chance of sleeping was in the centre of a bed facing directly north

Britta Kuhnen




Winston Churchill, when making a speech, used to put a long pin in his cigar, keeping the ash in place, thereby keeping MPs enthralled

Barkat




Indecision is the basis of flexibility

Billy2sheds, Huddersfield




Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool

Mmmm Sandwich




Contrary to popular belief, life has been pretty tough for Riley for the last few years

Jools, Nottingham




Have you noticed how, if I do this... people laugh at me?

Paul, London




Abdul Kasem Ismael, Grand Vizier of Persia in the tenth century, carried his library with him wherever he went. The 117,000 volumes were carried by 400 camels trained to walk in alphabetical order.

Huw Williams




Baptists don't make love standing up for fear that someone will think they are dancing.

Dana Jennings, North Carolina




A teacher was explaining how a double negative, when spoken, always gives a positive. 'This,' he said, 'is true in every language accross the world. However, there is no example in any culture where a double positive gives a negative!' Looking proud, the teacher sits down, and there's a short silence, followed by a sarcastic voice: 'Yeah, right.'

Sam, Somerset




They say "no man is an island", but then what about the Isle of Man?

O Gorman




If you were to recite everything Jesus is recorded to have said, it would take less than two hours.

TG




THE EIFFEL TOWER PUTS LESS PRESSURE ON THE GROUND THAN A MAN SITTING IN A CHAIR.

FAIRY 892002




The Millennium Falcon was originally modelled after a hamburger with an olive next to it.

Andy




My pet cats will only come in if you call them using the generic cat summoning phrase "Chicken! Chicken!" pronounced in an elevated munchkin style voice. Although this may seem a perfectly logical approach to summoning pets in of an evening to be fed, it does create for an interesting reaction from the neighbours when the visiting mother-in-law adopts the same technique, but doesn't appreciate that in order for the method to prove effective, certain subtle rules need to be observed. 1, the 'summoner' must ensure that false teeth are kept within the mouth for the entire duration of the 'calling' and 2, at all costs they must avoid roaming the neighbourhood in nightwear.

Richy Baby




Gayfield Park, home to Arbroath FC, sell the best football ground mince pies in Scotland, but the steak pies at Hampden (Queen's Park and Scotland) are the best of any type of pie.

John Stenhouse




A duck's quack has an echo like every other sound.

Laa Laa




Kuala Lumpur means the muddy confluence of two rivers.

Diana




If you press 'control', 'alt' then the dollar sign all together, it gives you the '€' euro sign. I know you care.

Martin, Westcliff




A man without a paunch is like a house without a porch.

Eliza




ELVIS IS MAKING A COMEBACK. HE HAS ONLY THREE FEET TO GO.

Tony Towey




The thorn bush where Rabbie Burns met his lovers is still there and blooming.

Komp




During 'Silence of the Lambs', Anthony Hopkins didn't blink once!

Mric




'Dumb blonde' is a peroxymoron.

John




Everything is not as bad as it seems.

Poolzmaiden




I'm tired. Yes, I'm tired. For several years I've been blaming it on Teen Age, poor circulation, air pollution, dieting, under arm odour, hormones, lack of vitamins, yellow build up in the corners of my eyes, and a dozen other maladies that make you wonder if life is worth living. But I found it isn't any of that at all. I'm tired because I'm overworked. If the population of this country is 51 million, and 21 million are retired. That leaves 30 million to do the work. There are 19 million in school, that leaves 11 million to do the work. 2 million are unemployed and 4 million are employed by the Government. That leaves 5 million to do the work. 1 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 4 million to do the work. 3 million are employed by County and Borough Councils, leaving 1 million to do the work. There are 620,000 people in hospitals and 379,998 in prison, which leaves just TWO people to do the work. YOU and me!! And you're sitting on your bloody arse reading this! It's no wonder I'm so bloody tired.

Becky Joseph Waddon, Croydon




There are only 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Andy




If you are unemployed, just go to the city of Jeopardy because there are always jobs in Jeopardy.

Bob, Newcastle




In 1994,Los Angeles Police arrested a man for dressing up as the Grim Reaper - complete with scythe - and standing outside the windows of old peoples' homes and staring in.

Doylie, Swanage




FASCINATION WITH GADGETS. To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimised and feature-poor toys.

Kate, Telford




I just read a report that stated that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

A Scott, Edinburgh




Bacon rashers make ideal skin grafts for pigs when they scratch themselves.

Mark Fidler, Doncaster




Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music. - Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989

Helen, Bristol




The Jigsaw Triggerfish is often mistaken as a real jigsaw puzzle. This has led to the deaths of many divers, who have run out of oxygen trying in vain to attempt to attach a "blue-ish three-lumpy-sided" jigsaw piece to the fish.

Maqoullig Jezvarted, Hull




(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. (B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans (C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. (D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. (E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

Buldajay, Scotland




If you ever accidentally or intentionally drink car antifreeze which is poisonous... drink some alcohol straight away, preferably vodka, as it acts as a competitive inhibitor to the antifreeze molecules to your blood.

Neil, London




In 1978, in between Manchester City winning one game and their next there had been 3 Popes.

FI, Manchester




When out shooting and your trusty dog brings back a wounded pheasant, hold it at the front of its wings and the bird will oblige by stretching its head forwards, thus saving your knuckles when you despatch the bird with your stick.

Sir Monty Bodlethorne




Although the earth is larger, the moon is farther away.

Nicholas Herold, Arlington, USA